In January 2018 I was on my way home and processing out of the military. I was 3 months away from finally completing my contract and I was just looking forward to being with my Fiance at the time. Throughout the 4 years things have been up and down, just like any relationship would be. Long distance was the hardest thing but I made it work. No matter what I would stick through it thin and through under any and all circumstances. This person was my only source of direction at the time.
Something I never tell anyone was I almost killed myself during my Deployment. I think back now and I wish I would have done it. My engagement was breaking, I was going to get foreclosed on my home, and my life being overseas was hell. All 3 parts of my life was getting destroyed.
I held my rifle to my head crying, pleading and sobbing. I sat alone in the dark hoping someone would come look for me. Asking God to help me but no one ever came
I finally put the rifle down.
During this time I was suffering from severe experiences I had in Iraq, also suffering emotionally and mentally.
Last year throughout January - Feburary 2018 me and my Fiance at the time did not work out. During this time March 2018 I was finally home. My contract ended and my only source of direction abandoned me. This ultimately took me towards a downward spiral which I am not proud of. I have developed such a strong resentment and anger towards any women in my life and started messing around disregarding their emotional health, or well being.
I would go on apps like tinder, go on multiple dates, I'd manipulate and take advantage of them and I am so ashamed to admit that.
I finally met someone let's call her (D). I started a relationship with this person while still keeping in touch with other women, doing things behind (D's) back and much more. It wasnt until one day she found out and I came clean to her and told her the truth about everything. Watching her heart ache got me. It made me regret all that I have done, how could I put someone else through a heartache? How can I use people and not have any sympathy? As I came clean I tried to work things out.
A few months things have gotten a little better, but as time went on the Past would never fully heal and it would always effect our Future.
It wasnt until these past few weeks I once again started going towards a downward spiral. I would disregard (Ds) feelings and concerns. I would do my own thing, I had nothing but anger and resentment building up and I just didnt know what to do. I would start drinking excessively, I was even drinking and driving for about two weeks. I would show up to work drunk.
(D) at the time would do her best to comfort me, she would be there for me through out it all and I pushed her away. I was so blind to see what I really had, I needed help.
I thought I had loved my Fiance to death, but I never knew what love was until (D) came into my life. This person came to me and stuck by my side through out all the negative things I've put her through. All my anger and nasty words she ate them all up and continued to love me.
This person would slave for me, she cooked me 3 meals a day, on my bad days she would comfort me, she would heal my soul and massage my body at a moments notice. She committed her soul and mind to me, there was never a time she said no to me. I've never felt this way and I never knew what was in front of me.
It wasnt until this last month, I pushed her away without me realized it.
I lost her.
I lost my soulmate.
I reached out to the veterans crisis hotline and for the past 10 days I've stopped drinking, I've been doing my best to stop cussing, to stop having any form of negativity in my life, I needed to change and I need to do a complete 180°.
I am working to be a better man, I wish I had this crisis during my time with (D) maybe she would still be here with me. I was so blind at the time and I am left with regret and mourn. It was too late and I know now what I have done.
I have been going to the programs the VA has, I've been doing my best to stay alone and heal my soul. Theres many times I want to go Online, many times I want to find someone, any distraction, even porn but NO. I cannot go down that downward spiral. I refuse to be the demon I once was. I dont want to lie, I dont want to take advantage, I dont want to be this horrible person that I once was.
I will continue to go to these programs, I will continue to fight these urges, I will continue to be a better man and find my place.
I am sorry (D) I ask that you forgive me
"For every single memory Has become a part of me You will always be"
Jesus to a child - George Michael