*I have never served the military - pissed off too many psychiatrists - won't even let me be a chef for the coast guard it probably shows. Here's something I've been writing for all you serving in the military.

Private Fuck Yes!

"OH MY FUCKING GOD! IS THIS WHAT WE HAVE TO WORK WITH? I WASN’T AWARE THAT THE MARINE CORE WAS ADVERTISING TO NEW RECRUITS BETWEEN SEGMENTS OF MY LITTLE PONY. I CAN TELL BY LOOKING AT YOU THAT YOU ALL HAVE ONE THING IN COMMON. YOU HAVE ALL RECEIVED A RESTRAINING ORDER FROM AN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL PLAYGROUND AT SOME POINT IN YOUR LIVES.

*A private sneezes in front of the drill sergeant

OH MY GOD PRIVATE WHAT IS YOUR NAME.?

"PRIVATE MILROY, SIR!"

"YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'VE JUST BEEN SUCKING THE MILK FROM YOUR MOTHER'S TIT FOR THE LAST 20 YEARS OR SO. I BET SHE'S JUST A SKELETON NOW. YOU MUST HAVE SUCKED HER BONE DRY!"

DO YOU KNOW HOW SOLDIERS GET P.T.S.D.? THEY GO THROUGH SHIT SO TERRIBLE THEY NEVER, EVER GET OVER IT. IT IS NOT BECAUSE OF ANYTHING THEY HAVE SEEN ON THE BATTLEFIELD. MARINES DON'T FLINCH WHEN CONFRONTED WITH THE SIGHT OF THEIR OWN EXPOSED INTESTINES. IT IS BECAUSE AMERICA HAS THE BADDEST, SCARIEST FUCKING DRILL SERGEANTS IN THE ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD! LET ME INTRODUCE MYSELF.MY NAME IS GUNNERY SERGEANT CERA, AND LUCKY FOR YOU, I AM THE BADDEST, SCARIEST OF THEM ALL! IF ANY LESS THAN ONE HUNDRED PERCENT OF YOU ARE NOT IN DESPERATE NEED OF A THERAPIST BY THE END OF THIS, I WILL REGARD MYSELF AS HAVING FAILED YOU."

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GOD DAMMIT PRIVATE! THIS IS BED IS IMMACULATE, NOT A GODDAMN HAIR ON IT! WHAT IS YOUR NAME?”

“SIR PRIVATE GOMEZ, SIR!

“BULLSHIT! YOUR NAME IS NOT PRIVATE GOMEZ! YOU ARE MARY FUCKING POPPINS! “How did you know how to do this so well?”

“Sir! come from a military family, 3rd generation marine. Been tucking my covers like this since I was twelve sir.”

“WELL THAT’S FUCKING FANTASTIC. GOOD FOR YOU! WHERE DID YOUR FATHER SERVE?”

“Sir! Gulf War Sir!”

“GOD BLESS YOU PRIVATE GOMEZ. APPARENTLY THERE IS AT LEAST ONE PAIR OF TESTICLES AMONG YOU. AND WHERE THERE ARE TESTICLES, THERE IS HOPE!”

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*Gunnery Sergeant avoids protocol to begin live fire exercises as soon as possible, he leaves two boxes of ammunition, one labeled “Live Rounds” and the other Labeled “Blanks” He gets a lieutenant to watch soldiers, and report to Gunnery Sergeant Cera which box they took their rounds from. All so he could give this tirade.

"PRIVATE, WHY AREN’T YOU FIRING LIVE AMMUNITION IN THIS LIVE AMMUNITION EXERCISE?"

"Sir! I'm afraid to fuck up. Sir!"

"Well then Goddammit! THIS IS YOUR WORST FUCKING NIGHTMARE! Everyone Cease fire. I SAID FUCKING CEASE FIRE!"

"Private Myers is afraid to fuck up. LESS WE ALL FORGET WE HAVE ALL FUCKED UP BY JOINING THE CORPS. JOINING THE CORPS IS LIKE FUCKING UP ON PURPOSE! Private Myers has forgotten this and is now SO SCARED TO FUCK UP that that he is firing blank rounds in a live ammunition exercise. Now we all need to learn a very important lesson. His fear of fucking up has caused him to make the ultimate fuck up! He has embodied the fuck up and is now a fuck up. He is now private fuck up. Address him as private fuck up. You may resume the exercise except now private Fuck up will be given a malfunctioning rifle with live ammunition for this live training exercise.

FIRST YOU WILL FUCK UP. THEN YOU WILL FUCK SIDEWAYS, THEN YOU WILL LEARN TO FUCK DOWN AND FORWARD. YOU WILL LEARN HOW TO FUCK THE ENEMY. FUCKING UP IS NOT HOW TO FUCK THE ENEMY. FUCKING UP IS HOW TO BE FUCKED BY THE ENEMY.”

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Private Milroy, You have scored 14% lower than private Fuck Up. Here is a rocketry book. You can build yourself a rocket and live on a planet far, far away from the shame of this moment!

Private Fuck Up, you are still private fuck up. You will always be private fuck up, until you live up to your full potential.

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The final assessments are in, CAN ANY OF YOU GUESS WHO HAS THE HIGHEST SCORE AMONG ALL OF YOU SOON TO BE MARINES? YOU ALL HAVE GUESSED WRONG. IT IS PRIVATE FUCK UP. PRIVATE FUCK UP HAS DONE SO WELL, THAT I HAVE NEVER ENCOUNTERED ANYONE WHO HAS PERFORMED SO WELL ON THE ASSESSMENT. PRIVATE FUCK UP IS NO LONGER PRIVATE FUCK UP, YOU ARE ALL TO ADDRESS HIM BY HIS NEW NAME. PRIVATE FUCK YES!