This is gonna seem like a ramble for that I apologize. I’m so bottled about my emotions, I probably never deal with them. Im excruciatingly ashamed as a leader of these never ending thoughts of suicide. I play the “wearing a mask game very well”.
I did logically what I thought would be right evaluate myself( not to be confused with self diagnosis) first with self care like research, validation, assurance to make sense of what I’m thinking feeling. Then I talked to the MFLK counselor, the next day the Chaplin. I don’t want to waste other professionals time because of something I can learn to deal with on my own, because I know there are others who need those resources. But this is just how I live through live logically, rationally all decisions are based upon this.
I cannot understand my emotions anymore. I have a loving and beautiful family to go home too. Whom I would infinitely miss and have to apologize to. I have lied many times about feeling this way on forma because let’s be honest in the military we don’t want to be honest about it. You mention suicide and people start looking out for number 1 and are instincts saying well “ I reported it”. My unit is awful and we are almost done with our rotation, but a years worth of emotions and thoughts are bursting out of me and I can’t control them.
I know for a fact people I work with have seen my “mask” fading I can’t keep up the “maintenance”for it anymore. I’m crying for help here. I’m afraid of dishonoring my family, God, friends and so on. I want help, treatment if possible. The Army cares for my family because I work for them. But no mater how many signs or symptoms I show, nobody has or will say anything to me. Are their thoughts of me so little that it wouldn’t matter? Do I matter to nobody in my unit or Battalion? Why does nobody seem to care? I’ve isolated myself, barely leave my room, I don’t want to eat or drink, I have physical injury I’m dealing with, I’ve tried every copping mechanism i can find, nothing helps. At this point I don’t trust anyone to look out for my best interest, but me and I don’t trust my thoughts. I can barely complete anything at work and I don’t want to do something that gets someone else hurt under me for my failures to be a good leader.
Every time I try to tell someone that I want to a frog gets stung in my throat shutting me up or i just shut down more. People, have the means, you’d never know when; where, how and these things are the easy part the thoughts are the dangerous part because I know it’s easy.
I’m rambling. My apologies.