NO MORE MST
My relationship with SSG G* started at 17 years old as a Senior at LSHS. (My mother signed a PC in January 2012 so I could enlist.)
He was a confident Infantryman who I and my family originally looked up to until he ruined my self worth, trust, self esteem and well being.
The power play was near immediate due to “failing” MEPS twice (during my senior year) due to high BMI/Overweight for female because I was always muscular.
SSG G* ordered me to constantly go to the gym after school/on weekends/whenever really for months in multiple layers to then go to his office in Hamburg, NY where he would put me in the back recruiting room to be “weighed and measured.”
I can still see the room from the outside office chair looking in (with dread.)
The door was always half cracked, blinds down and lights off. He would leave them off and use only the light from the other room shining in.
I would have to take off the excess sweatpants that he ordered me to wear while working out (down to my PT uniform) for him to reach around me from behind with tape measures that always seemingly felt so uncomfortable due to unnecessary touching and “hassling” with the measure and scale again insisting I couldn’t by chance fail another weight in, at 17 both prior to completing MEPS and then all the way until I graduated and left in July 2012 for BCT/AIT to ensure I remained at the proper weight.
Upon arrival back in NY (November 2012) from BCT/AIT SSG G* began pursuing sexual advances, harassment (physical&verbal) and to my knowledge (with evidence; see screenshots) stalking behaviors…my sense of security and safety was wiped from me almost immediately after returning home to find the man I had looked up to and guided me through the hardest entry processes would turn in a way that was honestly scary and made me fearful for everything I was about to endure.
I was only 18 E-2, he was 30+ and my superior sergeant E-6.
He verbally promised that my unit assignment would be transferred once I came home from BCT/AIT. Anytime I followed up “it wasn’t a good day” or anything to ensure my transfer was never made.
All I remember is wanting out of everything I was in during that time due to repeated discrimination & harassment.
I never to my knowledge/memory received any pay for “working with” SSG G* by recruiting at my highschool, running RST PT & a live “heroes rush” 5K mud run - he was supposed to send papers to get me paid for drill hours by my unit (November 2012-August2013)- the last time I went (08/2013) my SFC had “no idea” what I was talking about and sent me to another office where I got a similar response and to make sure it was sent in the first place, and my entire unit was counciled for high PT failure so they sent me back home to NY after driving 6.5 hr there that day. (Never recieved mileage either)
I spent hours circling offices that day with no regard to my immediate stress or situation and left in an anxious panic, not yet realizing SSG G* had this…planned all along?
To isolate me from through a Unit 6.5 hours away to be able to have such a hold over me, I am shaking writing this thinking about how predatory this entire situation is. He groomed me in high school, making his unwanted touching and smiled seem innocent and to have his hold over me when I was officially the “Army’s.” He could keep his hold over me this way.
My unit even went as far as assign SSG G* to administer my PT test following my last drill where he repeatedly verbally harassed me on the H* High School Track during the PT Test making it nearly impossible for me to meet my mark.
I have lived a life of isolation, self harm, addiction and suicidal thoughts due to the mistreatment and traumas experienced through my recruiting process & discriminatory profiling BCT.
I lived an addictive life from then on until I got “away” from my hometown (where I lived a life of extreme shame, guilt, addiction) with a supportive partner in 2019 and Covid allowed me to deal with quitting all things cold Turkey with the help of cannabis & isolation. I used to tell myself I didn’t want to make it past 30.
I have been “sober” since May 2020 in California with daily cannabis use, diagnosed in 2021/2022 PTSD, Anxiety, Panic Disorder, Agoraphobia, BPD in 2021 after my partner called a hotline due to panic attack causing self harm due to strangulation. This was not the first time.
***I was always hyper focused on the traumas of Basic (because I blacked out the worst from my predator that repeatedly harrased me for nearly two years) like being profiled for being lgbt and a female with short hair and being forced to push in another persons vomit during Day One shark attack (we all know the mistrust and mental health issues this tactic had played in BCT.)
I was pulled into a barrack office during week 7 of BCT at Ft LW, MO with a few other females, all of us with short hair by the only presumably lgbt person, SSG S*- we were told that “somebody” said we were looking at others in showers (I am the most self conscious person ever always have been and prob will be, I have learned this is a tactic used since sharing my story with others) and that we’d be restarted if anything else was heard or came up causing immediate fight or flight to kick in. Restarting? Because I didn’t even sue anything? Because of my look? Because I was LGBT??? I suffered from immediate shame, grief and emotional turmoil.
I was accused of something I would never do and was forced to just keep a straight face and not say or do anything.
This too triggered crippling anxiety.
All of this has caused panic disorder, extreme dread, chronic fatigue, generalized anxiety, PTSD, chronic pain, poor self image, suicidal ideation and more.***
This is part of my written statement, it took me TEN years to get myself to do this. (I have 17 pages of Facebook Messages with the recruiter from 2012-2013.)
***We can keep moving forward. Stay positive, stay grateful. We need to take care of ourselves and speak up for others. I am an MST survivor like so many of us, I wish to see change in the future and it starts with this. Sending love to all who need it right now.