The legend of the Poo Bandit
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Most of us have funny poop stories, but I have far too many… So many in fact the guys from my Sniper section called me”The Poo Bandit”. Not a nickname used daily, but enough to where I knew it belonged to me.
The first time wasn’t anything too funny or special. It took place at Fort Benning during the FTX at USASS (Sniper School) in 2013. It was December in Georgia so it was super cold and wet in the morning. I remember being in my ghillie and being so cold after we rucked into our PB all night with no loom. We got up and moving right before sun up to get eyes on the little mock village and I had to piss and shit, but I was too wet and cold to want to take a full blown dump. I got up to pee and I couldn’t push out my pee without having to poop. Well I tried anyway and paid dearly. I filled up my ghillie like I had been backed up from jalapeño cheese for a month. So I spent the rest of the FTX in a shitty ghillie that was only cleaned with what baby wipes I had on me.
Time two was shortly after USASS and block leave. We had a train up at NTC. My team was doing a recon of a village our BN was going to assault the next day. We were on a mountain and in true Poo Bandit fashion I had a shit brew up. I grabbed the wipes and made my way to a spot I believed was out of site and leaned up against a rock and started doing my thing. Well our NTC rotation was Force on Force. Out of no where I make eye contact with an OPFOR pilot in a helo and this fucker came out of nowhere! Quite literally scared the shit out of me. I moved so quick I didn’t even wipe. Once we got down from the mountain I knew I had a brown stained ass, so someone else would suffer with me. I called our doc over and told him I got cut on my ass by something. He knelt down right me and told me to drop my pants. When I did, all I heard was gagging as I tried to stop myself from falling on the ground laughing. He forgave me with time.
Time number three and the icing on the fucking cake… After returning from NTC back to Fort Hood we as 11B degenerates needed to blow off some steam. Our buddy recently started dating a girl from UMHB in Belton. So in true grunt fashion we had to show all of the friends some love. We went to lake Belton all day and drank beers in the sun. Then we made the mistake of going to Cheddars. I got the Monte Christo, which is essentially a hot sandwich with a doughnut as the bread. I inhaled this thing and just tried to go about my day like I was Major Payne. I hit it off with one of the chicks so we all went back to their campus at UMHB. It’s a Christian school so guys are not allowed in the girls dorms. So the girl I was with wanted to walk down by the creek near the campus. I walked with her and started getting that spidey sense that my stomach was not happy. We laid on the grass and were making out and talking (now dark out). Then she decided to lay her head on my stomach… My stomach started making sounds like a fucking demon. I told her I wasn’t feeling good and I had to go. I thought if I left then I wouldn’t have to destroy a college bathroom and I could make the half hour drive back to post. We walked back to my car and I kept trying to leave and she kept wanting to make out. It got to the point where I was in my car and she got in the passengers seat and I was literally sweating. I ended up snapping and telling her I had to go I didn’t feel good and she left all aggro. I gave myself a small pep talk and threw the car in reverse. I made a right out of the dorm parking lot and it hit like a NUKE. I just started shitting without warning. I jumped out of my seat and found the nearest parking lot. I sped into it and my headlights caught a dumpster. I ran to the dumpster and put my back to it and tried to pull down my board shorts while uncontrollably shitting. I could feel the splashes on the back of my legs that still make me cringe to this day. I looked down and I noticed I didn’t pull my shorts down enough so I was just pissing all over my self because my dick was still in my shorts. Once I was finished I walked to my car in shame and popped the trunk and placed plastic bags and old t shirts all over my seat. As I was getting ready to drive away I noticed that I was in the CHURCH parking lot of this religious school! I sped out of that place so fast and never looked back. I had to go through the gate and grossly walk past CQ. I got to my room and showered fully clothed while really contemplating that day.
Hope you enjoyed and got a smile from my misery.
-Poo Bandit
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