Hello. This has been really hard for me to decide to post. Hi my name is Nicole. for a little backstory… in 2021 i enlisted and was shipped off to OSUT in january 2022. I arrived to fort drum NY that june. I am currently getting chaptered and will be out in a few weeks. unrelated.

When i arrived to my unit i was told i’d be the first woman to ever be introduced to ACO. upon arriving to my company, my battalion had just been deployed that may so i was on rear detachment for 6 months till they arrived. I was stalked, talked about and hated, without ever meeting them. rumors that i was hooking up with everyone back in rear d. rumors that i would be making the unit weaker. rumors that i was not to be talked to because i was going to “sharp” everyone etc etc.

They came back from deployment and that’s when i was placed in a team with SGT A ( removed his name cause i guess it’s wrong to call out a rapist) . within weeks of being in his team, him, a mutual friend and i were drinking in my barracks room and he kissed me. i couldn’t deny the sexual tension between us and we did end up hooking up that night. both of us being extremely intoxicated.

we decided to keep seeing eachother and in that following week he had asked me to be his girlfriend. i said yes because it was exciting and new to me. knowing that our relationship was forbidden we had to stay secret knowing he was e-5 and i was e-3. He than moved companies to join a scout PLT thinking that would make our relationship better since he was not my leadership anymore. news flash it did not.

from january to april we on and off maybe 5 times in total. each time only lasting a day before he’d come back from the bar drunk and say it was a mistake. Our relationship was never meant to be and i’m happy i’ve been able to get out of it. he was horribly mentally abusive. he’d scream at me at the top of his lungs over small arguments and start hitting things and getting in my face. he told me he didn’t believe in depression and at the time i was heavily struggling with depression and anxiety and self harm.

we broke up for a final time in april but remained in minimal contact. i grew to be very attached to him and had a very hard break up. constantly going back to him when he’d come back from a bar and inviting me over to hookup. now i know this all seems typical but this is where the backstory ends.

the final time we hooked up was MAY 19th when he texted me at 0130 coming back drunk from a bar. at this time i had already came to terms with the fact that he was using me for sex since we were one room down from eachother and he knew i wanted him back for awhile. that night i decided only to go there to get the last of my belongings and to also possibly get an apology since he told me he wanted to “make things right.”

TW sexual assault. as we sat on his couch he repeatedly told me he didn’t want me hanging out with my current friends and that he didn’t want me to hate him. he was drunk. i was sober. while saying this maybe ten times he also kept trying to kiss me. i said no each time. each time he got more handy and started grabbing my legs, leaving bruises and grabbing my face.

i told him i wasn’t here to hook up with him and he was very persistent. after saying no multiple times i then gave in. never saying yes but never telling him to stop while he took my clothes off and took his off too. he began to penetrate me for 2-3 minutes before he came. afterwards he stumbled across the room to put his boxers on and laid on my lap.

he fell asleep within minutes. while i sat there processing what had happened he started snoring and that’s when i realized what just happened. i then woke him up, asked if he had any thing to say to me (which he said no) then i picked up my keys and left. finally blocking him after being told from my friends i should have the entire time prior. i felt so disgusted with myself that i basically let it happen.

that following week i made an restricted report just so i could get help from my provider with out having everyone know what had happened. i asked to have him moved since i didn’t want to keep seeing him everyday in the hallways and him acting totally fine. i a few days later made the report unrestricted and went into CID for investigation.

i had an MPO placed and he was moved to the building next to mine. i didn’t feel it was necessary to have him move battalions. after being part of investigation for 4 hours, telling this story multiple times, each time in more detail, and having pictures taken of my bruises. i was left waiting. details like where did he ejaculate?, what he used to clean it? where does he usually ejaculate? how often does he do his laundry? etc etc.

after waiting two months for answers, everynight i was having horrible nightmares, avoiding going out anywhere and even listening to music. feeling constantly reminded about him and also feeling guilt because i had felt like it was all my fault. in my investigation i was asked to text him to try to get a confession. he said things like “i know you said no but it just led from there” and “i felt so bad after.” after weeks of waiting i was told by my lawyer that they found no probable cause.

i know it was my word against his and that there was not much “evidence” but i atleast thought him basically admitting that i said no multiple times and that he “felt bad” was enough. i’m just honestly really confused and don’t know what to do. i was told that since the relationship was consensual at one point, that id be called a liar and that night would have been consensual. quite frankly i’m pretty sure you can be MARRIED and still be assaulted by your partner.

i feel like i could never report something again because i feel failed. i thought it would be different for me. ya know hearing all stories about how women in the army don’t get justice for these things.. i just feel so bothered that i hear dudes in my company talk about being scared of being “sharped” or avoiding saying nasty comments around me and the few other woman who have also came into my company.

but they pick and chose when they’re going to say these comments. how can someone be scared of being falsely accused when in a situation like mine. where there was practically a confession, there was no probable cause. so how could they be scared? and how could the military’s SHARP program become better?

i’m sure it’ll take time. but this feels like more of a CID problem. now my ex is being posted on our battalion instagram and just walking around free even after he’s been under multiple investigations and has also had a restraining order placed on him from a female in a different brigade.

sorry if there’s any errors in this but i just felt since i’m getting out soon and i’m trying to put this behind me. this was my last option to spread awareness about how truly FUCKED the US military is. not that we didn’t already know. please don’t leave hate under this if anyone even ends up seeing this..